


The Scrambled Egg Fic

by worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, Eggs, Established Relationship, Food Kink, Food Porn, Food Sex, Humor, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 15:56:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13721043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonflowers/pseuds/worriedpeach
Summary: “Crack an egg in my ass and fuck me so hard you scramble it”





	The Scrambled Egg Fic

**Author's Note:**

> please dont read this. thanks to coldphannie, honeybearhowell, flyingstarshowell, kategkateg, and moon-boye for peer pressuring me to do this.

Phil had never really been a huge fan of eggs. He found them a bit weird, the thought of eating something that came straight out of a chicken’s ass making him shudder. However, he quickly noticed his tastes changing after Dan accidentally ordered too many eggs from Tesco and had to make them nearly every morning. 

Perhaps it was because of that reason why Phil found himself liking eggs more. Or maybe it was just because he made the connection that he had already eaten ass, so an egg was the least of his problems.

That morning was no different than any other as of recently. Dan had rolled out of bed naked, thanks to their late night sex last night, and Phil was sitting at the breakfast bar, watching as Dan grabbed some eggs out of the refrigerator. He was cooking naked aside from the pastel pink apron tied around his neck and waist. 

Phil enjoyed watching him as he padded across the floor, his ass jiggling with each step. Phil couldn’t help it. He just loved Dan’s body so much that he wanted to drink him up in any way possible. He wanted to burn the image of Dan into his mind for eternity. 

Dan was humming as he reached for an egg out of the carton, some tune that Phil didn’t recognise. However, as he grasped the egg in his hand, it ended up falling out of his grip, splattering on the floor and staining the white tile with white. “Oh dear!” Dan mumbled, grabbing a handful of paper towels and bending down to clean it up. 

The action put Dan’s ass full on display, his cheeks spreading to reveal his pretty pink hole that was still slightly wrecked from their playtime last night. Dan was unphased, but the sight made Phil shuffle uncomfortably on the stool, his cock beginning to show some interest. His eyes were drawn to the egg splattered on the floor, watching as the yellow spread over the tile. 

He stared at the egg, glanced back over to Dan’s ass full on display. He licked his lips. Before he could rethink his life, his mouth was forming words that he never thought he’d ever say. “Let me scramble an egg in that ass with my dick, baby.”

They both froze. Phil was beating himself up for even thinking of such a thing, and Dan straightened up, giving Phil a long, contemplative look. Phil wanted to sink into the floor and descend straight to Hell so that Dan couldn’t judge him. He deserved Hell, that’s for sure. 

They both stared at each other, and Phil was absolutely red with mortification. He opened his mouth to take it back, but found that his mouth was too dry, his tongue like sandpaper, and he couldn’t form any words. Turns out, he didn’t have to. Because Dan spoke before he could, his lips turning up into a smirk that Phil knows all too well. Despite his embarrassment, Phil was intrigued. How was it that Dan could always turn a terrible situation into one that didn’t seem that bad anymore?

“Is that what you want?” Dan purred, and before Phil knew what he was doing, he bent over, scooped up a bit of egg on his finger, and reached around himself to insert his eggy finger into his ass. 

Phil’s mouth fell open, his cock twitching at the sight of Dan doing something so completely taboo, so fucking dirty that grandmas all around the world would keel over and die just from the thought of it. He watched as Dan fingered himself with the yolk for a few more seconds, and then he was nodding shakily, not knowing that he needed this until this very moment.

Dan laughed, his voice breathy as he pulled his finger out of his hole. Leaving the egg on the floor, Dan reached for the carton, grabbing an undamaged egg, and held it out to Phil. “Then what are you waiting for? Crack an egg in my ass and fuck me so hard you scramble it.” 

Phil had never moved so fast in his life. He grabbed Dan by the wrist, the one that was holding the egg, and pulled him into him. He smashed their lips together, pushing Dan against the breakfast bar, and slid a hand over Dan’s ass, lightly slapping the plump skin. Dan moaned into his mouth, and he was so hard underneath the apron that Phil could feel it pressing against his stomach. Phil couldn’t judge him. If anything, Phil was even more turned on than Dan was, his cock already leaking precum and staining that poor pastel apron with his dirty thoughts. 

They kissed until their breath was coming in short gasps, and only then did Phil pull away, breathing hard. Dan’s pupils were dilated, his cheeks red, and his lips even redder with spit. He was so gorgeous, and Phil couldn’t believe that he was actually letting him do something like this. But then again, Dan had always been into Phil’s weird kinks, saying that he’d try anything at least once. When Phil had randomly wanted to try omorashi, well, let’s just say that Dan didn’t complain once until they were finished and their bedsheets smelled like piss for weeks.

Phil grabbed the egg from Dan’s hand, and Dan’s breath stuttered with the action. Phil pressed a kiss onto the tip of Dan’s nose, a harsh contrast to their hurried movements beforehand. “Turn around for me, love,” Phil murmured, and Dan obeyed.

Without further prompting, he leaned over the breakfast bar - the breakfast bar that would forever be tarnished with this memory - and stuck his ass out, his chest dropping onto the surface. He looked behind him, face pressed against the bar, and his eyes were dark. Phil ran his eyes down Dan’s curvy body, appreciating his soft belly and the scratch marks down his back that were still there from last night. 

Phil moaned and pressed a wet kiss to Dan’s ass cheek, biting the plump skin so hard that Dan keened and arched his back into the touch. Phil soothed the mark with his tongue, letting out a shaky breath. “I need lube,” Phil breathed, and he didn’t even have time to blink before Dan was scooting a bottle of ketchup over to Phil. Phil stared at him, but then he looked at the egg in his hand and decided that weirder things have happened. 

He decided not to think about it too much as he poured some ketchup onto his fingers, spreading it through his fingers so that it wasn’t so cold from the fridge. He kept his eyes on Dan’s face as he pressed a finger in, watched as Dan’s eyes fluttered shut and he breathed in deeply. He was still pretty stretched from last night, so Phil’s finger slid in easily, the ketchup a weird _squish_ noise as he pressed in up to his knuckle. 

Phil fingered Dan like that for just a moment before deciding that he could add a second finger without causing any pain. Dan cussed, pushing his ass backwards so that Phil’s fingers were buried deep inside of him. Phil scissored his fingers, loving how Dan was so excited about this, how his body opened up for him and just _begged_ him to put in something much larger than just two fingers. It was because of that that Phil was finally able to push in a third finger.

If he wanted to be able to crack an egg into Dan’s ass, Dan was going to have to be able to spread himself wide enough to let the egg seep in, so Phil took his time stretching him. Dan didn’t mind, of course he didn’t. If anything, he got a little impatient, but Dan _loved_ being stretched, and this wasn’t any exception. 

By the time Phil was done with him, Dan was a sweaty, moaning mess. He could no longer form any words, and his eyes were rolling with pleasure. When Phil pulled out his fingers, Dan’s hole was stretched wide, the ketchup turning his skin slightly orange, and there was a sheen of sweat across Dan’s back. Phil could see Dan’s hard cock hanging between his legs, and it was dripping a thin stream of precum, almost like he was already so close even though Phil hadn’t even gotten inside of him yet. 

Phil let out a large breath, grasping the egg in his hand. He licked his lips. “Spread yourself for me,” he ordered, and in this state, Dan would obey anything that Phil proposed. Without complaint, he reached both hands behind himself, settled his chest on the breakfast bar, and spread his ass wide, allowing his hole to gape wide open. Phil hummed and kissed his tail bone. “Good boy,” Phil praised, making Dan whine. 

With one hand soothing over the small of Dan’s back, he used his other hand to crack the egg on the breakfast bar, just enough to crack the shell but not let any of the insides leak onto the surface. That part was just for Dan and Dan’s ass. 

“Ready?” Phil asked. Dan nodded, and Phil brought the egg close to Dan’s hole. With both hands, he opened up the egg just a little, watching intensely as the egg began to dribble into Dan. 

Dan hissed and his entire body tensed up. “Fuck!” he cursed. 

Phil stopped immediately, concerned. “You okay?” 

“It’s fucking cold!” 

Oops. Phil should have let the egg warm up a little bit before they did this. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I should have let it sit on the counter for a bit. I guess my mind was too scrambled to think about that, though.” Dan groaned and picked up his head, slamming it lightly onto the counter. “Are you _seriously_ making egg puns while we’re doing this right now? Really?” 

Phil shrugged and opened the egg again, letting some more egg slide into Dan’s hole. Dan whimpered again, effectively shutting up, and Phil chuckled under his breath. “There’s no way you could have thought that this would have gone over easy,” Phil deadpanned. 

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Dan spat, and Phil tutted, watching as the yolk dropped into Dan’s body. As the last of the egg disappeared, Phil threw the shell onto the floor and shoved his finger into Dan, shivering as Dan’s body just sucked his finger in, so slick and sticky with egg. 

“I’m _about to_ , if you’ll just be patient,” Phil reprimanded, reaching over to grab the ketchup bottle again. At this point, he probably didn’t _need_ any lube because of how slick Dan was, but he just wanted to be safe. He spread a small amount of ketchup over his dick, groaning at the slight relief, and then situated the tip of his cock at Dan’s hole. “Ready?” Phil asked.

Dan hummed. “I’ve been ready since you proposed the idea, you fucker,” Dan hissed, and Phil knew just by his cocky mouth that he was getting impatient from being so turned on. Deciding not to spare him any longer, Phil slammed his cock inside of Dan, knowing that Dan could take it. 

Dan jerked forward with the force, and moaned so loudly that the neighbors could probably hear, but Phil didn’t show him mercy, immediately pulling out and slamming back in. He could feel the coolness of the egg seeping into his cock, only warmed by Dan’s body, and the slimy texture of the food made Phil’s mouth drop open in pleasure. 

It was like nothing he’d ever felt before and everything that Phil had never known he’d wanted. Dan was so slick, Phil’s cock sliding inside of him so easily, dragging against Dan’s walls in a way that made his hips stutter. He cursed, dropping his head onto Dan’s back, and grabbed Dan’s hips so hard that there would probably be bruises there by the time they were finished. He could hear his balls slapping against Dan’s ass, could feel the yolk dripping out of Dan’s ass with each pull of his cock, and it was the most amazing thing he’s ever experienced. 

When he looked into Dan’s face, he could see that Dan’s eyes were glazed over, almost like he was about to start crying, but Phil knew it wasn’t from pain or because he didn’t like it. Dan almost always started to sob during sex because he became too overwhelmed with pleasure that he could barely hold it in anymore, and this just told Phil that he was doing good, that Dan was feeling amazing right now. 

Dan reached behind him, grabbing Phil’s thigh to make Phil thrust deeper into him, and the resulting whine made Phil realise that he was slamming into Dan’s prostate with every thrust. It was because of that that Phil let out a growl and started to rut harshly into Dan, physically unable to hold himself back anymore. He was feeling so good, was so hard that it _hurt_ , and his toes were curling in pleasure. Dan was so wet, literally dripping, and when Dan clenched around him, Phil absolutely lost it. 

He chased his pleasure, trying to make this good for Dan as well, but his balls were already clenching up tight to his body. His breathing was broken and ragged as he panted into Dan’s skin, so overwhelmed, so needy and desperate. He was already so close to the edge, and by the way Dan was thrusting backwards onto his cock, Phil could tell that Dan was too. 

With that, he reached around Dan’s waist and started to jerk Dan off in time with his thrusts. It was sloppy, his hand covered in ketchup and raw egg, but Dan was sobbing with pleasure now, his mouth wide open and his cheek pressed to the counter in a way that didn’t seem comfortable at all. Phil gritted his teeth, the feeling of fucking Dan so deep and so messily giving him such a wave of pleasure that the breath was knocked out of him. 

As Phil rubbed against Dan’s prostate and Dan clenched around Phil, he could feel the pull in his stomach that told him that he was going to come. He gasped out a warning, stroking Dan quickly, and his hips lost his rhythm, just trying to get his cock as deep inside of Dan as possible as he came, filling Dan up with his cum, mixing it with the egg and ketchup. 

“Oh, oh my _God_ ,” Dan gasped out, tensing up and letting out a girlish moan. “I’m so fucking _full_ ,” he whimpered, and Phil knew that was true. He was filled to the brim with egg and cum, and Phil was still fucking into him, fucking the liquid deeper inside of Dan so that he would be able to feel it for _weeks_ to come. 

When Dan came, Phil could feel it everywhere. Dan went limp. His breathing completely stopped. He tightened around Phil’s cock so much that Phil thought his own dick was suffocating. And then he was coming, spilling his liquid into Phil’s hand. Whenever Dan reached orgasm, he fell completely silent. Although he was loud during sex, his orgasm was the only time that Phil had ever heard Dan shut the fuck up long enough to get a word of his own in. 

This time, Phil had no words. He couldn’t think, could hardly feel. He was a boneless mess. He stayed inside of Dan for a few more seconds before pulling out easily, watching as egg yolk and cum dripped out of Dan with the movement. 

He tutted, put the hand that _wasn’t_ covered in cum on the small of Dan’s back and pressed down, forcing Dan’s hips up so that he didn’t lose any more liquid. With the hand that was filled with Dan’s cum, he then spread Dan’s wrecked hole and let the hot cum slide inside of Dan as well, mixing with Phil’s cum as well as the egg. 

Dan moaned, his mouth falling open. “God I feel like a dirty whore,” Dan whined, and Phil laughed. 

“You _are_ a dirty whore. But so am I, apparently.” Phil pushed the cum in further with two fingers, feeling Dan spread so wide for him, and he was probably the most disgusting mother fucker in the world when he said, “can you pass the salt?” 

Dan opened his eyes and furrowed his brows, frowning. “Excuse me?”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Pass the salt, Dan.”

With confusion in his eyes, Dan reached across the counter and grabbed the salt, handing it to Phil. He probably didn’t understand exactly what was happening, but when Phil grabbed it and lightly salted Dan’s asshole, Dan’s eyes widened and his lips formed a little o. 

“You are _not_ going to-” But Phil was. And he _did_. As he closed his mouth around Dan’s hole, sticking his tongue inside of his body to taste the ingredients of his meal, Dan let out an inhuman moan before almost shrieking. “What the _fuck are you doing, you nasty piece of shit_?!”

Phil frowned and pulled away, licking his lips. “I’m eating my breakfast. What’s it look like I’m doing.” 

They stared each other down, some sort of challenge to back down, but when a small smile started to creep over Dan’s lips, they both lost it. They were hysterical, actual tears running down their faces because they are the grosses mother fuckers out there and they knew that they would never be able to tell anybody what just went down that morning. 

After they cleaned up the best that they could without taking a shower yet, just enough that Dan could walk across the house without staining the entire carpet with egg, Dan stopped Phil and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Hey Phil?” he asked.

Phil hummed and Dan grinned deviously. 

“That was egg-celent.” 

And he’d thought _Phil_ was bad with the egg puns.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry


End file.
